Families are important to God. In fact, much of what we need to function as an adult is learned in the family. This is where we learn things like responsibility, patience, and how to be in a relationship with others.
As a pastor, I can point out someone who has come from a dysfunctional family because they often bring their family’s brokenness into their jobs, the church, and within their friend groups. Sadly, when you don’t have relational harmony within your household, you can’t function in it anywhere else.
So, how can we reconcile the brokenness we have experienced in our families growing up?
I believe it begins with an essential mind shift.
Your Family Dynamic Isn’t a Mistake
Many people I have counseled are grieving and bitter toward the family they grew up in. However, God placed you in your specific circumstances to teach you lessons and cultivate goodness as you prepare for your purpose.
As I look back at my life, I can identify each lesson God was teaching me. I grew up with an alcoholic father, and witnessing his struggle instilled in me a desire to be sober. My mother also brought me to church each Sunday, developing and reinforcing within me a love for God and His church. When I was twenty-one, I married my wonderful wife, Trina, which is unheard of to do at that age in today’s society because many young folks are engaging in sexual activity and see no need for marriage. (The environment I was raised in taught me that premarital sex is a sin and should be saved for marriage.)
Now, as a parent myself, I can recognize where I have lacked and fallen short for my own children. When my oldest kids were younger, I spent most of my time trying to achieve success, and emotionally, I neglected them. However, God used those seasons of my life to teach my son Joshua. Now, as a phenomenal father of three, he has learned how to be present for his children and not repeat the same mistakes I made. I praise God for the relationships I have with my oldest children today because we are living proof there is a God who heals relationships.
When looking at the first family, we see God’s intention. Genesis 2:8 in the New King James Version says, “The LORD God planted a garden eastward in Eden and there He put the man whom He had formed.”
God put Adam in the garden, and there is a purpose in where He placed you as well. He intertwined you with the specific family He gave you so that you would become everything He wants you to become. Our environments—our parents, siblings, and life experiences— shape us. So, instead of being angry and bitter with the cards we have been dealt, let’s celebrate and praise God because nothing is wasted.
Family Begins With the Individual
When we think about God’s design for family, it is important to note that family didn’t start when Adam received Eve; it began with Adam and God.
God could have created Adam and Eve together, but He didn’t, and I believe it was because He wanted man to rely on God alone without anyone else involved. Now, don’t get me wrong, I do believe that husbands and wives need each other, but if you cannot function alone, you won’t be able to function with another human.
When God put Adam in the garden, He gave him everything he needed—a relationship with God and food. (Genesis 2:9)
Oftentimes, in today’s society, individuals are actively looking for someone else to be a god (lowercase “g”) in their lives. They rely on one person to provide, save them from hard situations, and speak identity over them. There is only One who can answer your prayers, fight your battles, heal your body, and give you victory, and that is Jesus Christ!
It is important to remember that the only thing we need is a relationship with God. As long as you have Christ in your life, you can face any challenge or issue. There is no mountain too high, valley too low, or circumstance too overwhelming that Christ cannot help you through. He is more than enough.
The ABCs of Family
So, whether you are single or already married, what action steps can you take to ensure you are in a God-centered family? Together, let’s look at the ABCs that establish a foundation of healthy relationships.
Assignment (Genesis 2:15)
“Then the LORD God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to tend and keep it.”
Genesis 2:15, NKJV
We all were created with a purpose and a calling. For Adam, it was to protect and work the garden.
As you consider the person you could start a family with, ask yourself:
Does this person have a job?
How many jobs has this person had over the last two to three years?
Has this person found purpose in their work?
I have been the pastor of the First Baptist Church of Glenarden for a long time. If perhaps our team of elders decided they no longer wanted me to be pastor of this house, I wouldn’t sit around and wait for another church to hire me. Do you know where I would be? I would be right across the street at the Second Baptist Church of Glenarden because I have a gift, an assignment, and a calling over my life. That won’t fall off of me just because I hypothetically lost my job at the FBCG!
We all have an assignment and a purpose to do something with our lives. If no one is offering you a job, create one! Build a business doing what God has called you to do. Sitting stagnant is not an option for you or the person you are looking to live a life with.
Boundaries (Genesis 2:16-17)
“And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, ‘Of every tree of the garden you may freely eat; but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die.’”
Genesis 2:16-17, NKJV
Families teach boundaries. This may look like house rules, chore responsibilities, and discipline. They prepare us for life in the outside world. However, we live in a culture where no one wants them. Far too often, I hear adults claiming that because they are grown, no one can tell them what to do. Church, this is a red flag.
God, in His perfectly created garden, gave Adam boundaries. He told him he could eat from any tree in the garden except from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.
We cannot function in families, society, and especially in our relationship with God if we don’t have boundaries protecting our hearts and minds. Does the person you are looking to be in a family relationship respect your boundaries? Ask your yourself:
Does this person respect the boundaries of others?
Are they entitled about what they deserve?
Do they have a pattern of breaking the trust of others?
As God’s children, we are to hold to boundaries. If you are in a relationship with anyone who does not value the same mindset, proceed with caution.
Companion (Genesis 2:18)
“And the LORD God said, ‘It is not good that a man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.’”
Genesis 2:18, NKJV
God created a companion for Adam because He recognized it wasn’t good for man to be alone. Notice this scripture doesn’t say that Adam was lonely.
God has blessed us with emotions, which are clues that help us understand our well-being. When someone feels lonely, it doesn’t mean they are alone. It is an opportunity to learn how to enjoy the presence of God. Many of us are unable to spend quiet time with God because we just don’t know how. To alleviate loneliness, we must be intentional with the practice of listening, praying, and learning how to worship God alone, right where we are.
How are you processing your loneliness? Are you looking for ways other than God to fulfill it? Once you come to an understanding that God is your most important relationship, all others will fall into place in a healthy, spiritual way.
Be careful not to blindly create a family because you are lonely. Seek Christ first, for only He can satisfy.
Lord, I pray for those who are single and longing to make a family. Bless them and keep them, leading them to the right people at the right time. Open their eyes and give them clarity on the relationships they should and shouldn’t be involved in. Give them the courage to make choices that align with their purpose and Your plan. In Jesus’ name, amen.
For more on healthy family relationships, check out Pastor John K. Jenkins, Sr.’s sermon, The ABCs of Family.
